Stumpy Moose

The mysterious electro entity known only as The Polish Ambassador is the latest international celebrity to submit to our impersonal probing:

Account for yourself: Who are you and what do you do?

I don't actually exist. I'm one dimensional. In your silly scientific terms, I would be known as a true "point" with no height, width, mass, or any of that other nonsense. Of course, here I am, typing things, so one would presume I have taken a human form. Well, one would be an idiot. These words are being spewed forth from an intelligent gas that I have harnessed from the first node of the 11th dimension at an indefinite location surrounding Qatar's subatomic particle field. Ha, idiot! The words only exist until I say they exist. Fortunately for your website and its viewers I am a being unbound by these trivial matters of time and space you so desperately cling to, so we'll keep it around for awhile. Silly earthling. A more appropriate question would be, "Oh, Polish...oh, polish...Why?" Well, my child, quite simply I'm here right now to write this. Just...this.

What are you trying to sell us?

I'm trying to sell you life, my darling. If you buy my products, you and the rest of your co-workers down at Chic-Fil-A will inherit great abundance. Sort of like Tom Hanks in that movie Big, but you won't get old or a really kick-ass job. You'll probably just get mad honeydips, yo. They love the sounds Polish makes and will love you for bringing them to them, sort of like if you brought them a picnic basket full of exotic organic fruit. This I can promise you.

Tell us an amusing anecdote about yourself.

OK. Once, while rollerblading along the Pacific Coast Highway, I witnessed a rainbow trout named Mohammed and a Coho salmon named Isaac arguing about who has been the most influential Canadian of all time. Mohammed argued it was Mike Myers and Isaac retorted that only a trout brainwashed by celebrity culture could believe such a thing and that Mark Messier was the greatest Canadian to have ever lived. I quelled this debate by letting them know that they were both wrong and that the correct answer is, "Who is Alex Trebek". They both immediately recognized that I was right, copulated at once, and began to produce a super-species of fish known today as Trebekian Troutmon. Glory this brought to all. No doubt.

Which do you prefer? Dogs or cats?

Where I come from cats are a bit more aligned with how you humans are, physically, mentally, socially, etc. They are bi-pedal creatures, with very erect posture. They also love to do things like hike, juggle, sip tea, chat about permaculture, and cook pork fried rice. Additionally, they are paid by the government to consume homeless people. Not in an abstract socio-ethical way, say like your society's upper class consumes the lives of poor people, rendering them homeless. Rather, quite literally, cats eat homeless people, typically with a side of the aforementioned pork fried rice and to that a side of tartar sauce. Yes, so that's cats. What was the question again?